by Boyles The Magnificent
Keeping in the tradition of Nostradamus, Edgar Cayce and the Great Carnac, I, Peter Boyles, astrologer to the stars, or at least to half a dozen of my closest friends and associates, have decided to go out on a limb on this, my final column written during 2009.
Predictions and Resolutions: As a little boy I always remembered the Pittsburgh Press would have a cartoon this time of the year that had a little baby with a banner for the New Year over his shoulder kicking an old man, with a nightshirt on and an hourglass in his hand, in the pants. Goodbye 1954, welcome 1955.
I used to believe the New Year began in the fall when A and Z Chevrolet on Allegheny River Blvd. would put the brand new Chevys in the window. But like so many other things in my childhood, I can’t tell you how wrong I really was.
So in keeping in the tradition of being wrong, here it goes:
First of all, Predictions:
1) If it hasn’t already happened, Stephanie Villafuerte will never become the U.S. Attorney (mind you we are writing this the second week of December 2009).
2) Sometime in 2010, some featured columnist in The Denver Post might even recognize that there’s a cancer in the governor’s office, the district attorney’s office and tragically, a lot of spillover into the Denver Police Department.
3) Somebody may actually see Pat Bowlen. I think he’s Denver’s answer to Punxsutawney Phil. If Pat Bowlen sees his shadow, we may actually have another year of Broncos football in Colorado.
4) By the way, where is Pat Bowlen? Not that we really need him…
5) Tiger Woods will join Pat Bowlen and disappear. We will see a new bumper sticker will say, “Honk if you have not slept with Tiger Woods or seen Pat Bowlen.” BTW…What do Tiger Woods and a baby Harp Seal have in common? They’ve both been clubbed by a Scandinavian.
6) John Hickenlooper will make a great leap backward in his political career by becoming a gubernatorial candidate for the Democratic Party in 2010.
7) I probably won’t introduce two other people that will get married. Congratulations to Julie and Chuck.
My pending divorce will be final in 2010 and I too will discover my inner niece.
9) I will probably get a vasectomy, turning the 2010 Peter Boyles into the all-new Peter Boyles sports model.
10) Andy Romanoff will replace Michael Bennet as the Democratic candidate for the U.S. Senate this fall. (Remember Michael Bennet became a U.S. Senator by one vote — Bill Ritter’s. ’Nuff said. Winky winky).
11) Jeannie Ritter may buy a set of Pings.
12) After Dave Logan’s Mullen beats CU, then CU will hire Logan as coach. Go Buffs, take State!
And now for Resolutions:
Since I’m almost perfect, just ask any of my ex-wives, it’s difficult to improve on my personality, health and well being. However, I’m going to:
1) Return to music lessons on my guitar.
2) Attend the motorcycle racing school run by Ricky Orlando.
3) Go back to the ring at Fight Club.
4) Do my level best to continue to be the pain in the ass that I’ve become to so many of the city and the state’s most powerful.
So, ring out the old, bring in the new and make sure you sit there with your dad and watch the ball drop in Times Square with Guy Lombardo and the Royal Canadians playing “Auld Lang Syne.” It’s the song every drunk knows at midnight but no one knows the words to.
P.S. I never knew that the Royal Canadians wore red sport coats until I was in a bar one night that had a color TV.
Peter Boyles is a nationally acclaimed radio host who can be heard Monday through Friday on 630 KHOW 5 to 9 a.m. He has a monthly column in the Glendale Cherry Creek Chronicle. Visit Peter’s blog and comment on his column, or let him know anything else that’s on your mind, by going to the Chronicle Web site at www.glendalecherrycreek.com.