For the only time in my recent memory, I actually believe the Saudi Arabians are on to something. They banned Valentine’s Day. The religious police in Saudi Arabia, called the Mutaween, have banned the sale of all Valentine’s Day items, telling storekeepers to also remove any red items, as the day is considered a non-Islamic holiday.
A lot of Old English traditions speak about a guy named Jack Valentine who would come to the back door and deliver gifts for children. A lot of kids were afraid of Jack for good reason. As any teenage boy knows, the cheerleader is not going out with you, your heart will break and Jack Valentine does come to the back door.
Valentine’s Day, according to some historians, is a holiday named after an early Christian martyr named Valentine who was martyred by shooting arrows into his heart. Now I think you’re starting to get the picture. Having recently experienced someone reaching into my chest, grabbing the pump with both hands and saying, “Here, you won’t be needing this,” I understand the Arabs, the kids who are afraid of Jack Valentine and the people who shot the Saint in the heart with bows and arrows.
One of my father’s theories is that the Jews created Christmas to sell Christians presents to give to each other. He could never prove it but it was like so many things with the old man, I guess it just didn’t matter. Many people believe that Hershey’s, Hallmark, the floral industry and blood diamonds helped create February 14th as Valentine’s Day. And here’s a shock, it’s estimated that American men spend twice as much as American women on Valentine’s Day.
Having gone into “hock for rocks” in the past, I know there’s some guy in South Africa that tips his cap to me every year but given this last year and a half, it obviously did no good. So I thought I could give some advice to the lovelorn. As one of my dearest friends in the world has always said to me, there is only one rule of foreign policy: never go to war in places that end in ‘nam’ or ‘stan.’
Using that as my guideline let me give you the Boyles’ rules for modern day romance:
1) Don’t date married women. It’s not smart. It always has a bad ending.
2) Always date someone younger so you can tell those same lies a second time, but stay within three generations of your own.
3) Don’t date outside of your species, although it’s clear that a dog or cat will love you more and probably hang around longer because you feed them.
4) Always slow dance with the woman you think you love because dancing is just making love to music. It’s a real indicator.
5) Before you get serious, check out what the mother looks like. You can see your future.
6) Never go out with anyone who won’t give you their home phone number or won’t let you see where they live.
7) Ask someone at the Denver D.A.’s office to do a criminal background check and get a Dun and Bradstreet.
Hit the door the first time the other person says they just want to be friends.
9) Find out if they’ve ever used any other names, aliases or a DBA.
10) Ask them what their stripper or Vegas name was.
11) Make sure you’re pretty cinched up in the relationship before you bring them around any of your good friends.
12) Check their purse for a handgun and their wallet for a medical marijuana ID card.
13) The first time you go to her house, check the bathroom to make sure she doesn’t have any crazy pills.
14) She should have a sense of humor and needs to be willing to laugh at a funeral.
15) Make sure they can ski.
16) Make sure they like motorcycles and are not offended by your outlaw friends.
17) Make sure they like the rodeo.
18) She should like to read and watch old black and white movies.
19) And one of the most important, make sure they never listen to talk radio.
20) Last but not least, the most important one of all, make sure she is willing to put up with you when the world has caved in and you’re at your flat worst.
So after you go down the list and she runs her own list on you, still run away.
Happy Valentine’s Day from the King of Hearts,
Peter Boyles is a nationally acclaimed radio host who can be heard Monday through Friday on 630 KHOW 5 to 9 a.m. He has a monthly column in the Glendale Cherry Creek Chronicle. Visit Peter’s blog and comment on his column, or let him know anything else that’s on your mind, by going to the Chronicle Web site at www.glendalecherrycreek.com.